13-Point Plan of Attack

Modern warfare is waged via three distinct media: land, sea, and air. Similarly, this war will be unleashed on the enemy by means of physical, spiritual, and psycho-emotional modalities. I have developed a 13-Point Plan of Attack that is now my blueprint for battle. Some of these strategies fall neatly into one of the three conflict modalities, while others overlap two or more.

The overarching strategy is to be as inhospitable a host as possible by starving, attacking, and annihilating cancerous cells while simultaneously strengthening healthy ones. Anything that might have been advantageous to the cancer will be destroyed, eliminated, or rendered useless. All things that can contribute to the strength of the attack and the defeat of the enemy will be supported. In short, I will turn my life upside down and shake hard. Until I am released from the firm clutches of all that does not belong. And as the enemy loses its grasp and slips away like ashes from the phoenix, I too shall be reborn once again.

You may recall that I promised that this would be a wacky and wonderful plan. It delights me to no end that aspects of the plan that some of you will find to be wonderful will be characterized as wacky by others, and vice versa. One man’s wacky is another man’s wonderful.

“All warfare is based on deception” (Sun Tzu). And this mo-fo isn’t gonna know what hit it.

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1. Eat Healthfully and Joyously

My diet has now transitioned to unprocessed and unrefined whole foods. Locally grown, nutritionally dense foods. Just like people used to eat before the industrialization of our food supply. (The use of refined flour became widespread between 1870 and 1880 with the development of rollers for grinding grain. One of the primary motivations was to increase shelf life. You know why refined flour has a relatively long shelf life? Bugs aren’t interested in eating it because the grinding process removes the wheat germ, the component that contains the nutrients. Turns out bugs are smarter eaters than people. I’m guessing that just about all life forms are.)

No animal fat or protein because they’ve been implicated in the growth of tumors. So for me, that means none whatsoever.

And ultralow sodium content.

2. Traditional Chinese Medicine

The onslaught of bitter decoctions (teas) is ramping up. Apparently, I tolerate them well. May the cancer cells drown in this bitter broth. Acupuncture will play a lesser role during the early stages of the campaign.

3. Prayer and Meditation

Through all available mediums. Prayer. Relaxation to Gregorian chanting. Participation in Buddhist chanting. Reflection on the handwritten book of scripture that my wonderful daughter-in-law lovingly made for me.

4. Visualization and Guided Imagery

An internal process in which directions and goals are communicated to the body via imagery.

5. Bodywork

Therapeutic and healing work that involves touching or the physical manipulation of the body. Worst case: it’s useless but feels great.

6. Physical Conditioning

Daily hikes. Upper body strength conditioning. Reintroduce bike riding into my daily regimen upon doctor approval. Or in spite of a lack of approval. Why don’t doctors understand that you NEVER tell patients like me what we can’t do?

7. Essential Oils and Aromatherapy

If it was important enough for three wise men to drag their sorry asses across the desert to bestow gifts of essential oils upon the baby Jesus, who am I to dismiss their powers?

8. Tai Chi

A soft martial art that has been demonstrated in a majority of studies to offer tangible health benefits.

9. Make Music

I love to play guitar and sing. But I’m always too busy. So I’ll make the time each day. I’m pretty sure that someday it will be proven that cancer cells do not replicate while the host is making music.

10. Work in the Vineyard

I have a beautiful vineyard. One of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. But I’m too busy to work it. So I pay people to work it for me. That’s wrong. Very wrong. I will spend time everyday in the vineyard. Because more than just grapes are grown and harvested in a vineyard.

11. Sleep Outdoors

Communing with nature is an important part of any healing process. It takes us back to the roots of our species, before the complications and missteps of modern life. It occurs to me that one of the most effective ways to reconnect with nature is to sleep with her. And so I shall. And I’ve got a feeling that it will probably occur in my vineyard . . .

12. Chemotherapy

This is the gorilla in the basement. Enormous power that must be cautiously approached. Capable of great benefit if adequately harnessed, and great damage if not.

I’m apparently somewhat of an anomaly in that I’ve been dealing with cancer for sixteen years, I’m currently in Stage IV, I feel great and am strong, and I’ve never done chemotherapy or radiation. Patients that have previously undergone chemotherapy are sometimes excluded from clinical trials because critical organs have been irreparable damaged by prior treatment. I present with no such concerns.

Clinical trials are now underway for a new class of chemotherapy agents that target specific cancer cells, including at least three for liposarcomas. I will endeavor to select the one (or ones) that offer(s) the greatest chance for cure while minimizing collateral damage to healthy tissue and organs. Like I said, it’s a f-ing gorilla . . .

13. Conquer a Mountain

At least one. Enough said.

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Bullets, missiles, and kitchen sinks are now being shot, launched, and thrown. Reconnaissance from the battlefield will be ongoing.