Butterflies on the battlefront . . .

A wonderful email this morning from a dear friend who's far more spiritually-advanced than I:

"When I first glanced at your post today, I saw the title as "Report From The Butterfly." Then I saw it said Battlefront. Ah. Of course. But I like butterfly better. It's way more poetic, way more Zen...

I've been thinking about your prayer/meditation grade of C. Hmmmm... I feel a sermon coming on...

In my 25 years of practicing Christianity (more or less, give or take) I've been on many meditation and prayer retreats (some of them silent) from monasteries to mountain tops and everything in between. There were very few times that I ever felt like I got it "right" until sometime later in my more...ahem... advanced years, a couple of things came together for me. I guess the first and most obvious thing that got through is that there is no"getting it right" or really, there is no "getting it wrong. "Hence my first prayer/meditation realization: It's helpful to set your judgment aside.

Another rather disturbing realization was that God, all knowing, all powerful, already knows everything about me and so already knows my need, my longing, my frustration, my sadness, my failure, my fear, my hopes, my desires, and my joy. So, if this is true, why pray? I'm going to tell God something God doesn't already know? Please. God already wants the best for me, so why go begging for it like Oliver after a second helping of porridge?Prayer/Medidation realization number 2: Perhaps prayer is designed to change MY mind, rather than as a tool for me to try and change God's...

The other thing was that meditation, which is listening for God (as opposed to prayer, which is talking to and asking of God) was virtually impossible for this mind of mine which is chattering incessantly and working overtime to find any gray area where I can sit uncomfortably and just be ambivalent... As such, I discovered that I could only listen for God's voice when my hands were busy and my mind detached, that is, when I was engaged in some sort of physical labor or activity. This is most definitely when God talks to me and when I am most able to hear. Prayer/Meditation realization number 3: You don't necessarily have to sit cross-legged like a yogi to meaningfully meditate.

All of this is to say, that from my perspective, weeding the vineyard is both an act of prayer and an act of meditation on your part, as is sleeping in your tent, as is breathing in essential oils, as is seeking any and all treatment that you somehow "know" in your "gut" that you need. What you are asking God for in all of these activities is HEALING. Weed is to vineyard as cancer is to Paul's body, to paraphrase you. Every weed you pull is imploring God to pull the cancer from your body. Every night you lay on the ground underneath the stars is a request to be reminded of and returned to what is REAL. When you breath deeply, whether from your 3 mile hikes or inhaling Frankincense, you are asking, insisting really, that Spirit and Life ENTER YOUR BODY, infuse every cell and RESIDE there. And I can tell that all of this is happening because I can see the desire of your heart (prayer) written in your posts, as well as the wisdom gleaned (the fruit of meditation) from your daily experience and the conclusions at which you arrive. I see proof of the asking, and proof of the answers you've been given.Does this make any sense at all? God, I hope so...

So, what is left but the granddaddy, the pièce de résistance, the biggest realization of all: GRATITUDE - that's the key. Offering up to God, the Universe, your Higher Power, or whatever you'd like to call it, your gratitude. This is what changes us. This is what opens our hearts and frees us, makes us whole, and makes healing possible. All this takes is a pen, some paper, and 30 minutes maybe to sit on a bench in your backyard with oneof the most truly beautiful views in the world, to offer up everything you're grateful for on a daily basis. Big and small stuff. All of it. The hard part will be finding within yourself the will to be thankful even for your trials and tribulations, even for this cancer. You touched on it briefly when you said how much you loved working in the vineyard and it took cancer to get you off your butt... Isn't that just another way of saying that you have cancer to thank for getting you out into your own vineyard? I would like to say that being grateful for cancer doesn't mean you want to keep it around. You can also be thankful to see it get on the first bus out of town and never return.

In all my time and years seeking to know the will and see the face of God via prayer, meditation or whatever, I've only gotten glimpses, and brief ones at that. But they were fleeting moments of bliss and peace that I wouldn't trade for the world. They've kept me on the path and wanting more...

Okay, so I'm going to bed. I pray peace for you. I pray love and healing for you, and I leave you, again, with a favorite scripture that is of great comfort and relief to me when I have nothing left in me with which to pray:

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words."

The Spirit intercedes for us... With sighs too deep for words... Too deep for words... Too deep for words..."