Yesterday was a mo-fo from hell.
The pain suffocated me. Then buried me.
The wheezing in my lungs morphed into the laughter of the cancer.
In the depths of this darkness I scribbled the following lines:
The pain is killing me.
So I screamed a lot.
At Brandon. He may have deserved it. At my mother. She did not. And at Cecily. She didn’t either.
And then I cried a lot.
Not because I’m afraid to die. Because I want to.
Then sometime late yesterday I tried the medical cannabis again. But this time, instead of using a “healthy” vaporizer, I just consumed it the old fashioned way: smoking from a pipe.
And I experienced my first relief in weeks. Not kick-up-my-heels, let’s go to the circus relief. But the pain was definitely knocked on its ass.
And then I had a wonderful night’s sleep. For the first time in a couple of months.
And today I have been mildly functional. And that’s a huge improvement.
Thank you God for marijuana.
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3 comments:
Oh God, Paul... I'm so sorry. Words seem so empty and inefficient at the moment. Like everyone who loves you, I just wish I could make it all go away. At the very least I wish I could offer you some comfort. I know you know this, but you have a boatload of friends who love you and are with you - especially in your suffering. What else is there to say but smoke away my friend... Smoke away. Love, K
I'm glad you are feeling better than yesterday. I don't think any of us want you to sugar-coat anything, and you are entitled to express yourself honestly to those who ask. We know not to take anything personally--it's the pain talking. Just realize that we are all hurting too, and are doing the best we can to keep informed without disturbing you too much.
I love you bro, Karen
God, those scribbled lines took my breath. How can I ease your suffering and take on some of your pain? I cannot. Can I find solace in your courage? You bet! So amazing to again find myself laughing after a blog has squeezed tears from me. So yes, thank God for marijuana, and thank you for being Paul in all of your wonderment's. Fight on!
Love ya,,, Tony
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