The Casket Toss.

A week ago I bumped into a friend I hadn’t seen for awhile. He commented on my weight loss and asked if I were alright. I said yes and cleverly changed the subject. But he continued to press the issue. I’ll tell one lie in the greater interest of getting on with my day, but not a string of them. So I fessed up. And there it was: the casket toss. The expression on his face changed, the mood of the conversation went belly up, and we awkwardly tried to recover some semblance of normalcy to the chat. We failed. I’m guessing that all future conversations with this friend will be tainted with such pallor.

It was nobody’s fault. It’s just the natural direction of a conversation when the C-word comes up. I, as a cancer-afflicted individual, have to become more skillful at letting the cat out of the bag. And I beg of the rest of you to avoid the natural knee-jerk reaction when first learning that someone has been beset with this or any other serious illness. Please do NOT toss them in the casket. No one but the afflicted has the right to throw in the towel. When and if my time comes, I will make the throw. But not until the very last moment. And in the meantime I will deeply resent any indications that someone has reached for the towel. My towel.

Cancer comes in many different types, subtypes, grades, and stages, the afflicted are of different physical, mental, and emotional constitutions, and have often already subjected themselves to a dizzying array of treatment regimens. No two cases are alike. I like to hear about success stories, but I’m not particularly interested in the details of how your Aunt Matilda beat breast cancer – it has as much applicability to my situation as how your cat survived a fall down the well. (Know somebody that beat myxoid liposarcoma? Bang my door down!)

So just change the subject. Treat us like you did before you heard the news. That’s all we want. We very much welcome and appreciate your good wishes and positive encouragement. But we don’t want the disease to forever alter the way the outside world relates to us.

If despite your best efforts you cannot escape the casket toss mentality, then politely conclude the conversation and excuse yourself. You’ll feel better and so will your friend. And you can both get on with your lives.